What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
