mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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