I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
