He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
