someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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