Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
