I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
