I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
