you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
As shirtless as possible
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
