I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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