her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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