When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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