tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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