I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
