Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
