I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My cat gives me a boner
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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