My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
