My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
