i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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