Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
