Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
