i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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