she looked like the bat from fern gully.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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