This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
