Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
