More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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