I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
