also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
