You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
