Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
