New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
