I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
