I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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