Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
