Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
