two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
smell my finger.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
