my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
