A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
