What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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