the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
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