I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
