Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
