I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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