Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Damn victory sex feels great
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
