I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
