I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
