I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
