I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
