alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My ATM looks so different sober.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
