woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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