Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
