I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize