I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
